Your dad’s neighbor just called to tell you that your 79-year-old father sideswiped his parked vehicle and nearly hit a child standing nearby. Was it an isolated slip-up or a sign that it’s time for your dad to think about giving up his car keys? More importantly, how do you begin the discussion about such a potentially volatile subject?

Communication hurdles on sensitive issues like this can best be overcome by following the new 40-70 Rule, according to a first-of-its-kind study by Home Instead Senior Care, an international company provid­ing in-home, non-medical care to seniors. Analysis of the find­ings revealed that when the child reaches age 40 or the parent reaches age 70, whichever comes first, it’s time to begin those dif­ficult conversations.

“Lack of communication can lead to misuse of medications, self-neglect and accidents,” said Fran Fox, owner of the local Home Instead Senior Care office in Somerspoint serving seniors in Atlantic and Cape May counties. “Our goal is to educate the public about the 40-70 Rule and practi­cal ways for adult children to talk to their parents now about topics such as driving, finances, inde­pendence and even romance.”

The research, which surveyed baby boomers aged 45 to 65 years of age in the U.S. and Canada, showed that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major commu­nication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the child-parent, rather than a peer-to-peer, role.

“Because of this obstacle, adult children may wait until an emer­gency or crisis happens before talking to par­ents,” said Fox. “It’s best to open up the dialogue early.”

More than half of the adult children surveyed who still see themselves in the child-parent role have the most difficul­ty talking to their parents about whether it’s time for the parent to leave home. Their parents’ desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensi­tive issues as health (28 percent) and money (21 percent), too.

Half of the respondents were interested in learning more about their parents’ cognitive condition. Are memory lapses indications of early-stage Alzheimer’s or simply senior moments? Forty-seven percent of adult children are “not very” or “not at all” comfortable speaking to their moms or dads about their romantic lives.

“A gentle inquiry such as, ‘It seems you’ve been seeing quite a bit of Fran recently,’ is appropri­ate,” said Jake Harwood, Ph.D., national author and communica­tion professor from the University of Arizona and former director of the university’s Graduate Program in Gerontology. “If you sense the new love interest may be taking advantage of your parent finan­cially or you that there may be abuse involved, some additional probing is justified.”

At the center of the 40-70 Rule campaign is a guide of conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects, compiled with Harwood’s help. The free guide, available at the Home Instead Senior Care office in Somerspoint, features possible responses to some of the most awkward senior subjects.

“When talking with parents about driving, for instance, approach the topic with care and don’t automatically assume it’s time to take the keys,” said Harwood. “If there’s been an accident, ask what happened and then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge skills and deficits.”

If your parents acknowledge a problem on this issue or oth­ers, ask what they think would be good solutions, he said. Avoid patronizing speech or baby talk that may put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect.

To help ease the tension, adult children should analyze their relationship with the parents and perhaps make some changes, said Hardwood.

“If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble or crisis, then they can expect the par­ent to continue acting out the parenting role,” he said. “But if the child becomes truly indepen­dent and stops acting out these behaviors, then the parent may be more likely to relinquish the par­ent role.”

Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maxi­mum amount of independence for the older person, said Fox. Good communication is vital to helping families know when it’s time to seek additional resources, for example, the help of a profes­sional caregiver.

The bottom line is to keep talking, because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to chang­ing life circumstances, she said.