I was having a really difficult time coming up with a topic for this issue and it came to me while driving to court recently for the umpteenth appearance in a case that is, without a doubt, the worst custody battle I have ever seen.

Never have I seen two parents not get along to such a degree and extent as the parents in this particular case. Never have I seen a mother do everything imaginable to prevent her son’s father from being involved in his life. These are very strong statements coming from me because my area of practice is limited to divorce and custody issues and it is all that I do on a daily basis. The topic for this article involves children who lack a father figure in their lives and how it can affect them.

Before making the decision to address this topic in a publication that is geared towards women, I weighed the pros and cons and decided in favor of writing about it once I had conducted some basic research online about children who grow up without a father and the consequences these children face later in life as a result.

My internet research revealed the following stunning facts:

❖ Children with a missing father are two times more likely to drop out of high school.

❖ Girls who grow up without a father tend to forego college.

❖ Children with a missing father are five times more likely to be poor.

❖ 72 percent of adolescent murderers grew up without a father.

Granted, there are some very good reasons why some children grow up without a father, such as the father has passed away; due to incarceration or substance abuse issues, the child is better off without their father; or maybe mom doesn’t even know who the father is. In these situations, the lack of a father is not something that can be controlled. In cases involving two living and presumably decent parents, there is a stereotypical misperception that moms, as of right, should just automatically get custody when the parties separate or divorce and that dads will be able to have “visitation” every other weekend. Many of my mom clients are actually stunned when I tell them that custody is not automatically given to the mom.

There are two types of custody that are quite often intertwined and shouldn’t be.

First, there is legal custody. Often, parents are awarded joint legal custody, which means that both parents have a say in major decisions affecting the education, health and welfare of their children.

The second type of custody is called physical custody. Unless the amount of time the children spend with each parent is completely equal, one parent will be designated the Parent of Primary Residence (PPR) and the other parent will be the Parent of Alternate Residence (PAR). Chances are, unless it can be proven pretty convincingly that either parent is a child molester; has dependency issues; or is incarcerated, the parties will share joint legal custody. Physical custody will be determined based upon the parties’ work schedules, children’s schooling, and various other factors. It is no secret that in a majority of the cases, moms have primary physical custody, which means that they have more overnights than dad. However, more and more these days, there has been a trend for either a true shared parenting plan, which is a 50/50 split between mom and dad; or a parenting plan that involves one parent having four overnights per week and the other having three.

The next question becomes, “How much time do I have to let my children’s father have with them?”

It is amazing to me every day that I go to work or go to court and hear words like this. It is no secret, and I know very well from personal experience as a mother to a five and a six-year old, that fathers may not always act or do what we as moms think they should do. For example, dad may let the children go to bed without brushing their teeth; dad may think that Oreos and a coke make for a great dinner; or dad doesn’t know the name of his child’s teacher. Regardless, these are miniscule issues when compared to the big picture of life and the statistics that will follow because mom refused dad his parenting time. Children need their fathers and fathers need their children.

✴ With the holidays fast approaching, my phone rings off the hook from current and past clients who are having difficulties with the holidays and who gets what days, etc. As the saying goes, “Why can’t we all just get along?” Of course, it is easier said than done, however, bringing a child into this world requires a joint effort. Raising one should be too.